I can't believe I'm 33 years old and I don't have a kid. This is awesome!!

I just saw a guy stretch before he got on the elliptical machine. I'm pretty sure he'd suck my dick.

Nothing says "useless cunt" like an old lady reading her grocery receipt in front of the exit door.

I don't care if you are a dad, no heterosexual male should ever refer to pieces of clothing as an outfit.

When I'm high, I care about punctuation about as much as a Adele cares about sit ups.

Uh oh, my dick is starting to stick to my balls. Spring is here...

@qu4rtkn33 Just saw a woman lick her finger and then apply the saliva to her sideburn. Made me think of you.

I applaud women who are trying to lose weight. Just don't message me till you lose it.

Common sense is not very common.

@michaelianblack big deal you wrote a book. So have thousands of other comedians who look like half-a-tard and can't land any good roles.

I wonder how many people chronicled on "Locked Up Abroad" left out the part about them getting butt fucked by a toothless Cambodian?

I'd trade every woman I know for a windproof lighter right now.

I could have got my dick sucked for less money than what I just paid for a lobster roll.

I wish my neighbor was as cool as his dog.

I don't go on dating sites to find my soulmate. I go on dating sites to find two bisexual chics to bang in my pool. Duh

How do expect kids not to be lazy when they see their grandparents wearing diapers?

CrossFit is basically the movie "bring it on" if it wasn't a comedy.

I'm pretty sure I could stand naked in the locker room of any 24 Hour Fitness and my dick would get sucked in minutes.

Believing in Jesus is the equivalent to being an adult who still watches wrestling.

So, which one of you cock stains is going to unfollow me today so I drop back to double digits?