Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world and is considered 10 times more effective than valium

Oh you got "swag"? Don't forget to put that on your McDonald's application.

Lady, I wish your parfume cloud had hands so I could slap you with them.

We should all be allowed, if not encouraged, to punch someone once a day. Keep the stress level down and all.

We should stop referring to James Dean as a rebel without a cause.

Pretty sure he now feels strongly about driving over the speed limit.

If you have a staircase in your home and you haven't fucked on it....what the fuck is wrong with you??

Porn star Jenna Jameson has officially endorsed Mitt Romney. I can only imagine the shame & embarrassment this has brought upon her family.

Men, tired of having a sweaty sack this Summer? Use Certain-Dri. It's clinically proven to stop nut sweat for 24 hours.

You're welcome.

'SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: MAY CAUSE CANCER' meh. *lights up* 'PIC OF BLACK LUNG' eww *lights up* 'PIC OF COURNTEY LOVE' *throws pack away*

Porn apps?
Yeah, cause we all like to masturbate on the go, right?
...
Right?
...
Hello?

The religious and the insane look very much alike.

Hey accountants, you crunch numbers, I crunch Funyuns. Who wins this battle?

So, baby talk is still a thing with you guys, huh? Freaks.

Almost every horror story in my life was preceded by what I thought was a good idea.

Listening to the Black Keys makes me feel good, like I'm getting finger-banged

Vaginas: A place to store extra sand while at the beach!

I'm not going outside because I totally love the inside of my house and NOT because of big dogs and bullies.

Just heard an ad for a sleep aid medication, with side effects that may include "Inability to sleep". So yeah, sounds like it's pretty good!

Today just happens to be "National No Bra Day" and from the looks of it every woman at this Wal-Mart is participating.

Is it too much to ask for a man who will tie me up AND clean my house?