Before you act all weird around a gay guy, just remember he's got like 4 hot female friends who trust his opinion of men.

I get the straw in my Capri-Sun first try, every time. Good morning, ladies.

You know what's worse than Ants in your pants? Uncles.

"I can't move" - the single greatest after sex line. I strive for it every time.

Ponzi schemes are uncool. You know what IS cool? Fonzi Schemes. Eyyyy.

If you don't use spaces, you can say Fuck 35 times in a single tweet.

This 'Mario" fella seems way too overfucking qualified to be a plumber.

Sext: Oh the things I would theoretically do to you but can't because I'm texting instead.

Only a hipster would off himself by swallowing a roll of lifesavers in a vain last attempt at being witty and ironic.

I'll gladly kiss your ass, just don't complain if I start to use tongue.

Just once I want to go all Yogi just before I take off her panties, and say "Hey Boo-boo, what's in that pick-a-nic basket?!"

If I can find your clitoris in 2 seconds or less I reserve all rights to call it the easy button.

All these vagina tweets are making me hungry.

When I grow up, I'm going to be a beautiful butterfly --Most moths as children. Welcome to life.

Just got home, strokin my cock. Roosters love it when you pay attention to them.

For the record, yes it is, and yes you can. Glad we cleared that up.

I'm a catch. I usually get thrown back though.

We don't pound the pussy in Canada, we kilogram it.

You know who's not a quitter? Rick Astley

Dick, fingers, and tongue, meet mouth, pussy and asshole. play mix and match. Go!