I'm holding a latte and a scone while I break into this Audi so people think it's mine and I've locked my keys in it.

I can't love a girl who loves me, because that means I can't trust her judgement.

When old classmates contact me on Facebook, they usually lead with, "Are you the guy who shit himself on that field trip?"

Whats that sex position where the girl is on all fours and takes one in the mouth and one from behind?

...thats right, the absentee father.

When people say something funny in real life now, I literally just say "star" and walk away.

In college, I would always hang my Star Wars fanny-pack on the door knob so my roommate knew I was masturbating.

When debt collectors call, I answer "Domino's Pizza", but sometimes they actually order pizza so I had to buy a pizza oven and the uniform.

I got "pet a rolled up sweatshirt on your couch for 20 minutes before you realize it's not your dog" stoned today.

The best 5 seconds of my life are when I wake up and have no idea I'm a human or have responsibilities.

A twitter crush is someone you want compacted in the back of a garbage truck, right? I'm new here.

I hate when I walk upstairs and I'm like "why the heck did I come up here??" Then I'm like "oh right, I'm burglarizing a house"

I can't find my lucky sweatpants. Now I'm going to totally bomb this job interview.

Having a bay window is like online dating for dogs.

If I go to heaven, all this was for nothing.

According to 98% of security guards interviewed, I need to get the fuck out of the girls bathroom immediately.

I tried to explain Twitter to my grandma and she asked me why I was naked.

Currently concealed under a mound of clothes in a Victoria's Secret fitting room, using a sleeve as a periscope.

Apparently 'you should do porn' isn't a compliment yet. Maybe next year.

I'm not above wearing my "Fuck tha Police" t-shirt to the courthouse to get immediately excused from jury duty.

Offshore drilling is having sex on a cruise, right?