A conference call is the worst time to have DMX playing on repeat in your mind.

In my 34 years I've learned that if you hold a snake still long enough any man will fuck it.

And hot tamales are the tastiest treat ever!

My parents were the inspiration for my next book, 'Parenting From A Safe Emotional Distance'

Stop retweeting crap.

Girls with pink hair never wanna date me.

Yes I told your kid to get off my lawn. No, I'm only renting, getting a feel for the neighborhood, what's your point?

Don't give me the honey and spare me the sting

I was like "I'm riding on E" and my sister was like "Finally, we can relate" and I was like "No you druggy, I'm almost out of gas."

Sad to think that the vast majority of us will not be famous for our butt.

Guilt is a currency that never loses value.

I can’t stand your face. How have you been?

The worst Failure is failing to even try,,because you are haunted with "what if"

Pretty damn irresponsible of you to name your child Jerry.

Shoutout to the PE coach for not ratting out my son to the principal.

Fuck, I spent a lot of time on that last tweet. Twitter is so hard.

Slowest. Day. Ever.

Been 3 mos since I've seen my doctor. He didn't recognize me and told me I look like a model now. I've got my old body back...YES.

OK Minnesota. I've arrived.

What are your other two wishes?

Your kind of crazy has been well-groomed.

I miss my cats (they're in medical school)