If you have a fat kid. Get off the computer, put a leash on that little shit and take it for a walk.

Did you know chickens die after having sex? At least every chicken I've had sex with has.

My life is one big why the fuck not

I like to start every conversation with 'my phone's about to die' so we don't waste time.

Ask me to be a certain way and I'll disappoint you... Let me be myself and I'll blow your fucking mind

I don't lose followers... I lose non believers

All of us trying not to act like Twitter addicts at family functions

My buddy asked me to describe Twitter. I said, we're basically a bunch of idiots that take turns saying the same things over and over.

Sometimes I go to the Waffle House to show off my teeth

I had an hour to kill so I watched the last two minutes of a basketball game today

If Winnie the Pooh was a pimp he'd walk around saying... Bitch better have my honey

This guy just told me a joke... I laughed, then said star and walked away

When choosing the path, I seem to always choose the psychopath

This lady in the lobby just told someone she has a Twitter account. I went and knocked her out for breaking the first rule of Twitter.

A good relationship is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night

Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

I like to leave a little mystery in the bedroom... Like... Why am I all alone? Where's the remote? Where did I go wrong in life?

My Golden Retriever killed a bird on our walk this morning... I'm taking him to get a tear drop tattoo tonight

Beware of the bad ass women that seduce you by making their own money, love sex with you, cook for you and like to have fun. Fucking beware.

God: I will create a being to cook, clean, serve and obey. Adam: what will it cost me? God: an arm and a leg. Adam: what can I get for a rib