I was hoping #Apple would replace Siri with Morgan Freeman on the iPhone 5

My life is one big why the fuck not

If you have a fat kid. Get off the computer, put a leash on that little shit and take it for a walk.

I like to start every conversation with 'my phone's about to die' so we don't waste time.

Ask me to be a certain way and I'll disappoint you... Let me be myself and I'll blow your fucking mind

My buddy asked me to describe Twitter. I said, we're basically a bunch of idiots that take turns saying the same things over and over.

Did you know chickens die after having sex? At least every chicken I've had sex with has.

I don't lose followers... I lose non believers

Beware of the bad ass women that seduce you by making their own money, love sex with you, cook for you and like to have fun. Fucking beware.

If Obama wins or if Romney wins I'm still going to wake up in the greatest country in the world tomorrow.

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

A good relationship is like having a sleepover with your best friend every night

If Winnie the Pooh was a pimp he'd walk around saying... Bitch better have my honey

This lady in the lobby just told someone she has a Twitter account. I went and knocked her out for breaking the first rule of Twitter.

Nothing says 'I mean business' like using a grocery cart at the liquor store.

All of us trying not to act like Twitter addicts at family functions

I had an hour to kill so I watched the last two minutes of a basketball game today

Sometimes I go to the Waffle House to show off my teeth

When choosing the path, I seem to always choose the psychopath

The worst thing you can do to an ex is stay hot