"You're still doing that?" ~My mom, today, when I mentioned Twitter.

Once a lady in a bar yelled "Anyone know CPR?". I said "I know the WHOLE alphabet" & everyone laughed except one guy..

Seriously, learn CPR

Twitter is supposed to be about strangers and that’s what you guys keep forgetting, the more you know about people here the worse it gets.

Bless me Father for I hit send.

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

Nice vagina. You're still ugly.

Pretending it never happened won't make it go away.

Quit smoking 5 years ago today. Now I'm addicted to telling everyone how long it's been since I quit smoking

Behind every great tweeter is everyone they know rolling their eyes.

Justifying yourself is just self-assurance that you are wrong.

I don't understand why strippers get mad when I tip Monopoly Money... I mean, are those real tits??? I think not.

I've never had a walks of shame. I've only had walks of fuck yeah's.

I'm black, but not, "love fried chicken and kool-aid black."



Haha just kidding. That shit is delicious.

One day we'll open Twitter & it'll just say:

Thanks for playing! Hope you enjoyed this social experiment. Now apologise to your loved ones.

My 6y/o says she doesn't laugh at my jokes because they aren't funny so I told her that her artwork was shit and took it off the fridge.

I'm ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.

Let's be real guys... There is no scale of 1-10.

It's either "I would" or "I wouldn't"


Boom

Only in math problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.

If I ever get Alzheimer's, I want someone to put a cape on me and tell me every morning that I used to be superman.