I like to start every conversation with 'my phone's about to die' so we don't waste time.

I haven't had sex in so long I'm thinking of getting an std test just to have someone else touch my penis.

Victoria's Secret: Turning molehills into mountains.

Ask me to be a certain way and I'll disappoint you... Let me be myself and I'll blow your fucking mind

Clarity comes with time off of Twitter.

You were born with an unbreakable spirit.

Real life~ where people face their problems

Twitter~ where people avoid their problems

Facebook~ where people don't have any problems

Call me crazy but I'd like to find one woman and us only have sex with each other.

Hey John Mayer sorry you recently went through a breakup. Here, listen to this John Mayer song to help get you through it.

God will put the right people in your life but not until you let the wrong ones go.

When somebody spends their time trying to make someone else look bad it's usually because they're trying to cover up their own disaster.

4 weeks of sobriety today. 30 day chip on the tenth. Thanks for the support  http://instagram.com/p/XzvdWOtrA3/ 

North Korea is becoming like that annoying person that always threatens to close their Twitter account from lack of attention.

I'm at the vet. Molly has cancer that has rapidly spread. I'm putting her down and am heartbroken!  http://instagram.com/p/XfEKSDtrJ-/ 

If Obama wins or if Romney wins I'm still going to wake up in the greatest country in the world tomorrow.

According to my cholesterol level I'm a pizza.

The point at which you're ready to give up is the point you need to try harder.

Loneliness is just that time between being where you want to be and being where you were. Don't turn back.

Did you know chickens die after having sex? At least every chicken I've had sex with has.

It's great when you find someone worth going sober for. For me it was myself.