I stopped to pet a kitty and missed my bus. :(

Last night I dreamt I had a tiny pig who could change colors. But he kept getting tied up. Forgot his name. :(

If you went to music school, I don't want to hear your band.

I think A&W's bathrooms are nicer than their restaurants.

A girl in a red car threw some trash at me. Can't wait to tell mom about my new girlfriend!

Picking out baby names can be tough. It reminds you of all the jerks you know. On a positive note, picking abortion names is super easy.

You guys, live folk music is fucking boring. Just listen to their stupid boring records.

Babies are fucking boring.

Watching home alone. One of the actors name is Roberts, like he's two people. What a piece of shit.

I want a juggalo friend.

I just burnt my toe hair off with a cigarette. I've reached a new level of gross.

In case you were wondering, Levi shaves his pubes like he shaves his beard. #wunderbar #twobeards #twopubes

Dear bands that tear down their drum sets completely after a set,

Stop that.

If you are homeless and asking me for money for food. Please don't come back to the bar I work at and order a rye and coke.

If you drink while you're on your period all the fruit in your house will go bad.

I'm at lunch with 5 other dudes. All of which I've kissed on multiple occasions. #nohomo

I'm a recovering alcoholic. I use alcohol to recover from my hangover.

Well, my pants are fucked.

I was told I'm the most handsome man in Edmonton. It was by an overweight straight dude but still.

Found out today I can't eat 8 bags of chips in 8 minutes. Who knew?