Ever eat so many nachos you need crutches?

"I'd like to build a fort out of your couch cushions" is apparently a "weird and stupid" pick-up line. Whatever.

I'm too sexy for my treadmill. And that salad.

All three Kardashian sisters are actually street magician, David Blaine. His scariest and most psychologically jarring illusion to date.

Snooki looks like Rick Moranis shrunk a Jersey housewife and rolled her around in Doritos.

I'd love to go jogging tonight, but I accidentally slammed my ankle in the car door six times and threw my running shoes on the roof.

If you don't listen to The Cure and watch yourself cry in the mirror, then you're a failure as a teenager.

I think I'd rather put the effort into building an igloo out of this laundry than actually doing it.

Snooki looks like she should be riding a Ruffle-Necked Sala-ma-goox through a Dr. Suess book.

I'll bet every one of those operatives who were part of killing Osama Bin Laden will be honorably discharged due to high-five injuries.

Tip: A homemade styrofoam helmet is a great way to impress a first date.

It's probably best to avoid referring to your apartment as your "dark nest" on a first date.

Help me crack 400 followers tonight and I'll give you like 4 cans of warm Shasta from my trunk.

Snooki looks like she was carved out of sweet potatoes by a drunk sculptor.

Tip: If you're stranded on an island and the only music to listen to is Creed, try exploding.

Anyone wanna buy a strange elixir that turns you into a half-man, half-coyote? Going though these Christmas presents from my Shaman uncle.

The fourth little pig built his house out of wolf skulls. Nobody really messed with him. The end.

It's weird how a little thing like hyperventilated sobbing can ruin a job interview.

People aren't naming their babies "Bluto" nearly enough.

Hoarding #RejectedBoyScoutBadges