Me: Is your "Giant Burger" made with real giant?
Employee: What?
Me: Is it real giant meat or just beef?
Employee: ...
Me: Are you hiring?

What's a funny amount of Oreos to put in this church offering plate?

Hey, people who just watched a documentary, keep it to yourself.

Just snorted some Cymbalta and now I can speak butterfly.

This 3 Musketeers bar now has 4 grams of protein so I can finally cancel my health insurance.

If we rob a bank, I'll be the one wearing a moisturizing mud mask as a disguise because a bad complexion is the real crime.

Didn't see The Hobbit. Just how unexpected was their journey? Were they all, "Omg, a journey? This is so out of left field!" I hope so.

Cooking Tip: A paper towel can almost pass for a tortilla if you huff enough gasoline.

I'm just saying I wouldn't be shocked if all of classical music turned out to be just one song.

Eating the face off of this blueberry muffin.

I bet Matt Damon is writing all of Ben Affleck's tweets.

You had me at "Hello, welcome to Chili's. Just one?"

Are there even any horses left at this point?

"Throw your hands in the air, woo!" - Fun bank robber

Why am I the only one looting, right now? Are we doing this or what?

A girl just looked at my Rage Against the Machine shirt and said "What's that?" and now my shirt's ruined because of all the blood.

When I'm friends with Ben Affleck I'm gonna call him "the beN word" all day long until he punches me in the face this is a horrible plan.

Started a screenplay today about a never mind I just gave up.

Starting a slow clap in a busy men's room always seems to free up a urinal a little faster.

Don't even think about stealing a car from a Liam Nissan dealership.