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If sighing got things accomplished, I would have nothing left to do in life.
All I want for my birthday is a big booty ho(le).
Most of my day is spent pushing buttons to validate people I've never met.
The most impressive thing that freelance graphic designers create is the illusion that they're not homeless.
Most vegans are vegan just so they can tell you in a condescending voice that they're vegan.
It's not that I can't remember your name, it's just that I don't care enough to remember your name.
Nowadays going to a party means holding a beer while staring at your phone.
No matter how loud you shout, grizzly bears just refuse to clip their fingernails.
One time in college I leaned like a cholo and 20 minutes later I stabbed 4 white dudes in an alley.
I don't know who Ms. 13 is, but she sure does like to paint her name on walls in questionable neighborhoods.
10 out of 10 Jews already won the argument you haven't started yet.
Crazy to think that the Angry Birds app is raising an entire generation of our children.
The most important upgrade in the Xbox One is the clarity at which you can hear 11 year old Chinese kids call you a faggot.
Apparently the graphics are so good on the Xbox One, players will be able to see their own social anxiety disorders developing.
The Xbox One is going to revolutionize the speed at which your girlfriend breaks up with you for playing too much Xbox.
No one aspires to own a minivan.
Comedian. Only god can judge my password strength.