I always trust people who like big butts because they cannot lie.

Would be nice if someone retweeted this or starred this or noticed this.

I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

You call it 'laziness', I call it 'laziness' too because I don't feel like coming up with an alternate excuse.

I go to the gym to punish myself for rewarding myself with food.

People just don't understand the dedication and sacrifices we assholes have to make in order to be the assholes we are today. It's not easy.

My backyard has little patches of flowers growing from where I spilled some of the seeds on my way to the garden. I call 'em- Oopsie Daisies

People who drink Caffeine-Free Diet Coke clearly refuse to enjoy anything in life.

Dear guy working out next to me wearing rainbow shoes, a bright pink shirt, dorky headband, and nerdy glasses-- I love you forever.

It's not really a mistake if you keep doing it

I'll see your ass and raise you my foot

Sure 11/11/11 is pretty cool but 13/13/13; now THAT would be a true miracle.

You guys haven't finished reading this tweet yet, but now you have.

"You gonna eat that?" -me to my friend asking about his girlfriend

In a relationship, the first person to call the other one crazy is actually the crazy one.

The funniest thing happened on my way to the gym today, I drove right past it and didn't go.

I've come to the point where I'll star a tweet just to show that I read the whole thing.

I fell in love with you just so you could break my heart, and I could finally have a reason to avoid you for the rest of my life.

I'm just gonna assume birds pooping all over my car is their way of starring my tweets.

Yes officer, I know where my car is. Just walked 4x around the parking lot to get my 20 min of cardio in. Also, can you help me find my car?