Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.

Cop: Put your hands in the air

Me: and wave them like I just don't care?

Him: Hahahaha

Me: hahaha

Him: (shoots me)

Hate it when you open the fridge and can't find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.

Can't figure out why my dog licks his balls. They taste fucking disgusting.

(stands up)
My name is Jake, and I am an alcoholic.
(plays audio tape of clapping noises)
(sits back down amongst stuffed animals)
(drinks)

Why does my dog always assume that people are knocking on my door looking for him?

I always look both ways when crossing a one-way-road because women

I once dated an amputee.

She single-handedly changed my life.

Whenever somebody says "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?"

I scream "WE DON'T HAVE HITLER, IS MUSSOLINI OK? YOU FUCKING REFRESHMENT NAZI"

The best curve on a woman is her smile.


Just kidding, look at that ass.

MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM IM RECORDING A RAP SONG

If you watch porn in high definition you can actually see how lonely you are.

I don't know why my goldfish looks depressed, I'd love to have my own castle.

Might go for a morning run.
OK a morning walk.
OK I'll sit outside.
OK inside.

Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut

Me: "Hello? Yeah hi I'm calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what's her number?"

Siri, call my dealer.

Siri: CALLING - KRISPY KREME

Hey dude, if you aren't going to hold her and tell her you love her, can I?

Crying is the most important meal of the day.

Ryan Gosling riding a giraffe while eating gummy bears. I just won Twitter forever. #3_up pic.twitter.com/dDNcABiK