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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Cop: Put your hands in the air
Me: and wave them like I just don't care?
Him: (shoots me)
Hate it when you open the fridge and can't find what you were looking for; like happiness and perfect abs.
Can't figure out why my dog licks his balls. They taste fucking disgusting.
My name is Jake, and I am an alcoholic.
(plays audio tape of clapping noises)
(sits back down amongst stuffed animals)
Why does my dog always assume that people are knocking on my door looking for him?
I always look both ways when crossing a one-way-road because women
I once dated an amputee.
She single-handedly changed my life.
Whenever somebody says "We don't have coke, is Pepsi ok?"
I scream "WE DON'T HAVE HITLER, IS MUSSOLINI OK? YOU FUCKING REFRESHMENT NAZI"
The best curve on a woman is her smile.
Just kidding, look at that ass.
MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM IM RECORDING A RAP SONG
If you watch porn in high definition you can actually see how lonely you are.
I don't know why my goldfish looks depressed, I'd love to have my own castle.
Might go for a morning run.
OK a morning walk.
OK I'll sit outside.
Relationship status: fell out of bed while reaching for a donut
Me: "Hello? Yeah hi I'm calling about your commercial where the woman looks really happy cleaning the kitchen, what's her number?"
Siri, call my dealer.
Siri: CALLING - KRISPY KREME
Hey dude, if you aren't going to hold her and tell her you love her, can I?
Crying is the most important meal of the day.