Why haven't we scienced away tornados yet? It's just fast air like come the fuck on

being a.duck would be nice because its like the best of both worlds because you get.to be a your own plane and your own boat at the same tim

Mom if you can see this signal fire pick me up from the mall

Billy Joel refusing to cooperate in an arson investigation

LET THE CORGIS OUT THE DOOR / LET THE CORGIS OUT THE DOOR / ONE / NOTHINGS WRONG WITH ME / TWO / CAUSE I JUST LOVE CORGIS / THREE / NOTHINGS

A tip for watching sports is yell when other people yell

My vision is 20/20 but my goals are 420/69.

And if you'll turn your attention to this venn diagram you will notice that both dogs AND cats can be petted

Boys go 2 Jupiter 2 get more Stupider and Girls 2 Mars because it is closer and statistically more likely to support human life and coloniza

*ollies once* *proceeds to ollie the oxen free*

Nic Cage Match, you versus one of every role Nic Cage has ever played. All repeating their movie lines from beginning to end. You cannot win

Should really rename the store Traitor Joe's as dayshift manager Linda clearly did not want to barter food for my luxurious pelts

Errybody Being Fiscally Irresponsible In The Club

spread my ashes where the catnip grows in the backyard so the cats can still play with me after I die

my gf is in her last semester of college and for a project she listed a hamburger as a Common Household Item and I am so proud of her

You are nothing but a collection of seemingly novel experiences and the ability to retell them

If you stare at someone you are contextually obligated to wave or head nod to acknowledge their presence on this space rock we exist upon

I wish very deliberately bringing your arms inside your shirt and slowing turtling your head inside the collar was more socially acceptable

Honestly my best instagram ever that cannot be topped http://t.co/J9O6M0gO

What is the best tone of voice to quickest ripen fruit?