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"You just ate Chinese food, am I right?" --The world's worst fortune cookie
The hip bone's connected to the leg bone, the leg bone's connected to a missing person's case from 1983.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
The merchandise for that Lincoln movie is everywhere. I keep getting little copper promotional discs back with my change.
I call gum "chewing gum" to differentiate it from all the other types, like murdering gum.
The first rule of Fight Club DVD commentary is: You talk about Fight Club.
I gave up on painting when I realized it was too late to get a ninja turtle named after me.
When phone books disappear, circus strongmen will have to prove their strength by tearing the internet in half.
Subway is my favorite restaurant named after mass transit. Sorry, Pizza Bus Toilet.
If there's ever a zombie outbreak, my plan is to immediately become a zombie. It looks so relaxing.
It's easy to forget that everyone on the Internet is a real person with real feelings who sucks and omg die already.
If you take pictures of your food you should also take pictures of your waste, just to give it more of a narrative arc.
Colbert Report writer and author of the humor book Sad Monsters. Did you know half of all werewolf attacks start as misguided hugs?
