I will, within reason, star any tweet that mentions masturbation, especially when spelled correctly.

All I want is a guy who will let me play video games, touch his wiener, and leave when I want to eat an entire pizza by myself.

A medium Wendy's fry is just an appetizer for a large Wendy's fry.

Obama speaks with so many misplaced commas.

The way to win arguments is to add "er" to insults. For example "You're a Jerkface." "Well you're a jerkfaceER!" WIN.

I can definitely be 'one of the guys', but I also like girly things like embroidery and fellatio.

I never understand why people pay for porn because the internet is free porn guys!

My dog tried to french me and I was all "Not til you buy me dinner!" and she brought me her rawhide and I was all "I ain't that easy bitch!"

Just imagine the amount of people boning without protection this weekend with the intention of having 11/11/11 babies.

This is the worst time of day, when my real life friends have real life, and my virtual friends are still sleeping! Pornography time?

Is masturbating in anger called masturaping?

Guys always think they are so cool, with their peeing standing up, and good driving skills, and their sperm!

Guys it's weird. All I can do after my night of heavy drinking is clean! I think I'm broken =(

Worst thing ever: Vurping into your nose.

If I ever have kids, their b-day party will have Cheetos and Chips Ahoy. Fuck balloons and cupcakes. Also, I am not drunk enough for this.

Funny how on Twitter, I'm very self conscious about spelling, punctuation, etc., but when texting, I don't give one single fuck.

Does it say anything about me that my two most recent tweets are about Amazon, 6 months apart?

The worst part about southern California winters is finding a comfortable temp to sleep in. It's either Antarctica or the depths of Hell.

If a straight girl is pussy whipped, does that just mean she masturbates a lot?

Protip: If you are ever in need of a large selection of penis pictures, play (or be) a girl on a free online fps!