@saint_gasoline collect your tears in a drinking glass and throw it in her face like a martini

Supposedly the most beautiful phrase in the English language is "cellar door"
I challenge this &submit that it's actually "a dope mouthfeel"

you can't feed your family with nuclear subs. not even your nuclear family.

girl you so fine you literally falling through the gaps in my fingers. girl you are a woman made out of sand. i made you because i'm lonely.

like what if there was a wheelchair with back and butt massage pads and also a water pack attached to the back that was filled with franzia

i spend a lot of time thinking about possible wheelchair customizations

My impression of every child that sees me: "Look at that guy! Let's go climb on him relentlessly while he tries to drink away his sadness"

I bought a box of condoms for a teen who was embarrassed. I said "What size do you need?" he shrugged "Describe your penis to me young man"

@crime_man_ I stole an entire public holiday. Ever hear of Forbearance Day?
No. No you haven't.

#NaNoWrimoOpeners "Uggghhhhawwggghhh," Sonic cummed, cummily.

if you have a strong opinion about which way the toilet paper roll should face i want to use your face as toilet paper

#AllBlackPeopleShouldKnow you can get an education then achieve wealth & great power but it won't matter if you have lipstick on your teeth

#AllBlackPeopleShouldKnow that being held to expectations because of a generalized trait is a a clear marker of institutionalized prejudice.

"i'm going to nibble on grass and be tranquil" yeah that will earn you a lot of favs you idiot deer

Welcome to your first lecture in the subject of '3D design' *takes sheet of paper, crumples it* ok class that's a lot to take in for today

inexplicably call ur boss "shortpants" until he gets insecure & buys pants that are longer. dont stop til he looks like a kid in dad clothes

doctor and I comparing dicks He says his is better I disagree Nurse get in here we're gonna settle this once and for all Nurses dick is best

@saint_gasoline just right there in front of everyone. She even went "boop". Cool follow-up story: I killed her and fed her to a stray dog.

@saint_gasoline we've all been there pal. I was once presenting at a meeting when a co-worker stuck her finger in a hole in my sweater.

i am nothing like the rest of you. watch in awe, as i put my trousers on both legs at a- [smash cut to ambulance speeding down road]