My boss asked me if i smoke pot. So is this a trick or does he wanna go round back and smoke.

I am coming out of the closet i am officially a lesbian

Does anyone else wanna see the geico lizard get eaten by a hawk?

Who has some good calling in sick excuse . Whoever comes up with the best one wins the grand prize of knowing im enjoying a night off

That awkward moment when your girlfriend catches u with your wife #heels hurt

So when did the hot chicks dating goofy looking guys start

I think if someone gets a stupid song stuck in your head then u should be aloud to beat them with a brick

That's it i am done watching the news. We Americans have become fat dope heads who stay depressed which is now depressing me

Does anyone else wanna tell people on Facebook to shove there farm up there farmville ass

So i am at the doctor and he ask "how u are u feeling" so i say "great doc just came by for the hell of it" look on his face priceless

@madmaxrerisen a day without a madmax tweet is a day without sunshine

Dear parents who allow your kids to act like jackasses its not cute stop laughing and by the way a good ol ass whooping never hurts

Shrooms.....when you dig through cow shit to get high its time to admit there's a problem

Dear atheist u don't believe in God and yet u talk more about Him than a preacher......#pleasemakesomesense

@thekristhompson muhahahahaha my plan is working perfectly

@sbrookeb_14 i was thinking the same thing obviously the whole booth story was just a cover up.

@sbrookeb_14 welcome sweetie

@sbrookeb_14 and we love u :-)

@sbrookeb_14 me+alcohol= belligerent drunk

@sbrookeb_14 :( i am gonna have to go kill some zombies to get over this