Watching my daughter slowly pour her milk all over the kitchen floor, I can only assume that one of her homies got shot.

In comic books most superheroes are scientists. In the GOP, scientists are villains. I want to live in a world where science is good.

Mama said there'd be days like this. Mama also said KNOCK YOU OUT. Mama drank a lot.

A reluctant hero. An epic journey. And no chance of a happy ending.

The Late Night Husband Tampon Run.

Coming soon to a 7-11 near you.

Parenthood is an ongoing analysis as to why things are damp.

Life is like a stack of pancakes. Can't finish metaphor, busy eating delicious life.

I'M DRINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND ELEPHANT

The dog is giving me a look somewhere between Remember That Time You Fed Me A Can Of Pringles and Screw You You're Not My Real Dad.

I should do a cooking show where I throw things in the microwave and yell at children.

I bet the first person who literally killed two birds with one stone just dropped a boulder on some chickens.

Tomorrow we stuff bread up a dead bird's ass and then go midnight wrestle at department stores. I love you, America.

I feel a little bad about peeing in the pool my children swim in, but margaritas.

I think it's a problem that the only noise my wife makes during sex is repeatedly whispering 'unsubscribe.'

GIRL, YOU SO FINE, YOU'RE LIKE THE MICRO-ABRASIVE SANDPAPER USED TO SMOOTH THE EDGES OF THOSE TINY WOODEN BOATS INSIDE OF BOTTLES. DAMN.

Why do dentists always lick their lips when they tell you it's time to disrobe?

I love the smell of bacon in the always.

People who jog before work are like unicorns to me - I want to capture them and drink the life-giving escence from their foreheads.

It's all warm and merry until the nativity donkey gets an erection. Good lord.

I don't like your face. Especially in this economy.

I was just about to use 'erudite' in a sentence when the wine and cheese farts kicked in.