@samhey's (Sam Hey) most faved Tweets...
Watching my daughter slowly pour her milk all over the kitchen floor, I can only assume that one of her homies got shot.
I'M DRINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND ELEPHANT
I should do a cooking show where I throw things in the microwave and yell at children.
I think it's a problem that the only noise my wife makes during sex is repeatedly whispering 'unsubscribe.'
Life is like a stack of pancakes. Can't finish metaphor, busy eating delicious life.
Why do dentists always lick their lips when they tell you it's time to disrobe?
It's all warm and merry until the nativity donkey gets an erection. Good lord.
My natural reaction to a spreadsheet is to arch my back and hiss.
Parenthood is an ongoing analysis as to why things are damp.
I'm about to get savage up in this bitch.
And by 'get savage' I mean clip my toenails and by 'bitch' I mean adorable terrycloth bathrobe.
Can you imagine having your hands and feet tied and being lowered into a pool of spiders?
Yeah, that would be scary. Anyhow, goodnight, son!
My children excel at eliciting from me the exact language from which I try to shield them.
Does this crotchless stormtrooper uniform make my boner look imperial?
My daughter took off her diaper and peed on my flip-flops. This means it's OK during our dance at her wedding for me to dip her and let go.
Parenthood is 80% deception and 30% gin.
There are no stupid questions, only stupid children. Now go to your room and think about that.
"Why is my piggy bank broken, daddy? And where are the coins?"
"Mushrooms don't grow on trees, son. Now stop melting your face."
I don't trust people who climb up moving escalators. Creepy motherfuckers.
I think my kids go to bed each night smiling, thinking 'man, I really fucked with him tonight. that was awesome.'
Whatever happens, we'll always have my basement that you're trapped in.
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