@samhey's (Sam Hey) most favourited tweets

@samhey

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@samhey's (Sam Hey) most faved Tweets...

Watching my daughter slowly pour her milk all over the kitchen floor, I can only assume that one of her homies got shot.

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I'M DRINKING OF A NUMBER BETWEEN ONE AND ELEPHANT

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I should do a cooking show where I throw things in the microwave and yell at children.

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I think it's a problem that the only noise my wife makes during sex is repeatedly whispering 'unsubscribe.'

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Life is like a stack of pancakes. Can't finish metaphor, busy eating delicious life.

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Why do dentists always lick their lips when they tell you it's time to disrobe?

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It's all warm and merry until the nativity donkey gets an erection. Good lord.

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My natural reaction to a spreadsheet is to arch my back and hiss.

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Parenthood is an ongoing analysis as to why things are damp.

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I'm about to get savage up in this bitch.
And by 'get savage' I mean clip my toenails and by 'bitch' I mean adorable terrycloth bathrobe.

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Can you imagine having your hands and feet tied and being lowered into a pool of spiders?
Yeah, that would be scary. Anyhow, goodnight, son!

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My children excel at eliciting from me the exact language from which I try to shield them.

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Does this crotchless stormtrooper uniform make my boner look imperial?

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My daughter took off her diaper and peed on my flip-flops. This means it's OK during our dance at her wedding for me to dip her and let go.

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Parenthood is 80% deception and 30% gin.

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There are no stupid questions, only stupid children. Now go to your room and think about that.

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"Why is my piggy bank broken, daddy? And where are the coins?"
"Mushrooms don't grow on trees, son. Now stop melting your face."

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I don't trust people who climb up moving escalators. Creepy motherfuckers.

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I think my kids go to bed each night smiling, thinking 'man, I really fucked with him tonight. that was awesome.'

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Whatever happens, we'll always have my basement that you're trapped in.

@samhey

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