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the same people that hate fitzgerald are the same people that hate wes anderson movies. i promise you that.
mom: next week is the crucifixion. i won't watch that. you might as well tie patches up and drag her behind a car.
you know, me and most of my friends have a hard enough time coming up with $$ for regular birth control. much less 400-600$ EVERY TIME WE
i feel like that shot of the small child eating that turkey leg is a symbolic shot of what's wrong with our youth.
i had a date the other night with a kid that said mashed potatoes are for lazy people. #wearenevereverevereverevergettingbacktogether
OH MY GOD I JUST CLOCKED MYSELF IN THE FACE WITH MY LAPTOP I CAN'T AFFORD FOR MY NOSE TO LOOK LIKE A POTATO AT THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE.
my mom is awkward about michelle obama because she had a dream that mrs obama came over and told her to clean out her fridge.
[ESPN guys beat the shit out of each other in a commercial] dad: those are the guys i work with.
AND i couldn't practice my horn today because i was WHEEZY. wheezing, not chris brown.
liver < the alcohol i make it process
mom: why doesn't that baby like me?! why?!
dad: (after not saying anything for 20 miles) he probably thinks you have AIDS.
when i think of christmas, i think of last year when i was so tired i passed out underneath the christmas tree with my comforter. #cantwait
"lovers.. oh, that word bums me out unless it's between 'meat' and 'pizza'."