@obviouslyben it's not any easier being the girl that has to listen to guy friends complain about how hung up they are on mean girls. :(

the same people that hate fitzgerald are the same people that hate wes anderson movies. i promise you that.

mom: next week is the crucifixion. i won't watch that. you might as well tie patches up and drag her behind a car.

@obviouslyben @pariswegmann246 but she's just looking for new friends at the gym!

you know, me and most of my friends have a hard enough time coming up with $$ for regular birth control. much less 400-600$ EVERY TIME WE

celebrating this halloween by eating candy i'm hoarding from children and listening to @robdelaney's $5 stand up special!

i feel like that shot of the small child eating that turkey leg is a symbolic shot of what's wrong with our youth.

i had a date the other night with a kid that said mashed potatoes are for lazy people. #wearenevereverevereverevergettingbacktogether

OH MY GOD I JUST CLOCKED MYSELF IN THE FACE WITH MY LAPTOP I CAN'T AFFORD FOR MY NOSE TO LOOK LIKE A POTATO AT THIS STAGE IN MY LIFE.

had a dream last night that i was hanging out with @obviouslyben and he was making me steal life sized cut outs of the greenday members. :/

my mom is awkward about michelle obama because she had a dream that mrs obama came over and told her to clean out her fridge.

[ESPN guys beat the shit out of each other in a commercial] dad: those are the guys i work with.

AND i couldn't practice my horn today because i was WHEEZY. wheezing, not chris brown.

@codybrom omg i was just thinking the same thing earlier tonight! but i enjoy them so much! until they're over. so they're like heroin?

liver < the alcohol i make it process

@obviouslyben i'd rather do your kind of "mundanity" than be stuck in a classroom with undergrads for the rest of my career. #highroad!

@sims you'd think that somewhere in between that quote being said and it getting put on a wall, someone would have fixed that.

mom: why doesn't that baby like me?! why?!
dad: (after not saying anything for 20 miles) he probably thinks you have AIDS.

when i think of christmas, i think of last year when i was so tired i passed out underneath the christmas tree with my comforter. #cantwait

"lovers.. oh, that word bums me out unless it's between 'meat' and 'pizza'."