Coffee delivery needs to be a thing because I refuse to put pants on.

Keep your friends close, and never date them.

tan lines are the sexiest summer clothes.

oh, good to know. netflix, instagram & pinterest are all on the same amazon cloud. #lulz #cloudzdown #fridaynight

Boobs, man. Can't live with em, can't live without em.

&&&&&&& SHE'S SO HAAAIIIIIIIEEEEIIIAHHHHHHHHAH, HIGH ABOVE ME! like cleopatra, joan of arc, or Aphrodite. #np

"The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars / But in ourselves."

"Sunday is gonna be awesome because I fucking said so!" - the iced coffee in my fridge.

@andrewhyde related: Ernest Hemingway's "In order to write about life, first you must live it" #redpenparty

My cat better have a damn good gift for me. #happymothersday

remember that one time i sent you a photo of my bewbs? LOLOLOL.

Everyone send good vibes plz. @mattbeechan & I applied for our #pdx dream place today.

"do you ever fear you've become the worst version of yourself? - #youvegotmail

MEG RYAN AND TOM HANKS FOR LIFE!

when ppl from HS ask if i'm doing well, i think they're only curious if i've: gotten married or had a kid. NOPE & NOPE! #doingsogood

"phx" is short for "people fucking good shit up"

@april_mclean BE. YO. OWN. ROLE. MODEL.

There's gotta be a special place in hell for people who try to clap to the beat but end up massacring it. #ugh #stopthatshit

Stepped on velcro, but like any rational person I immediately thought "OMG AM I STANDING ON A CACTUS?!!"

I'm awesome.