Ok I need volunteers to take turns jumping over my bed so I can count you cuz the sheep thing is a bust.

Remember never throw toothpicks in the urinals cuz crabs can pole vault.

Who cares about spit or swallow by that point I'm looking for a nap.

Money might make the world go round but Pussy will bring it to a screeching halt.

A wife is a sex object.   Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

A wise man once told me to "Stop trying to put legs on a snake". Fifteen years later I'm now wishing I had asked what he was on.

WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALES CLERK, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE. WTF?

My mom says my birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory. ;(

My muffin top brings all the chubby chasers to my yard...damn right its rounder than yours...damn right its plumper than yours...

Your bumper sticker says Jesus loves me. The bird your flipping say you do not.

There are three stages of sex in a man's life:  Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

So what was the best thing before sliced bread?

That's odd I don't remember feasting on garbage yet the fart I just produced denotes a pungent tone of city dump.

IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL THEMSELVES, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

When life gives you lemons feed them to your kids. The look on their faces will make you howl.

My wife is obsessed with garden gnomes, so I put a red cone hat & big white beard on my penis. If you can't beat them join them right?

I'm not a Creeper I just play one on Twitter.

The fact that she will laugh at my last tweet rather than be angry is one of the reasons she is a trophy wife.

I just finished pissing into the wind and I'll tell you what, Golden Showers aren't all that you guys make them out to be!

I've always been more of a leg man yet I find cleavage to be so very interbreasting.