Walked into a party and a drunk girl greeted me by screaming, "CONAN O'BRIEN!". My work here is done.

It's a shame I'm not an artist because I feel like the world is severely lacking in watercolor portraits of Nicolas Cage.

@robdelaney twitter wasnt fun until i started following you, beefcake. 🎎💘

Just saw a dog riding in a sidecar of a motorcycle so basically I'm having a fantastic day.

Nothing more confusing than a man walking with a bag of dog shit and no dog.

You are only christened as a New Yorker when a mysterious liquid drips on your head while you walk along a subway platform.

"WebMD told me my cat had chlamydia." - @llilmackk

I have to stop using Nickelback as a weapon.

just gonna let my phone die and not charge it for the rest of the weekend because i am an individual and i am bëÿöñčë bye world

Every cold is a chance for me to have a sexy voice for 3 to 5 days.

My favorite part of working out is when I lay on the floor afterwards and sob for 45 minutes.

santa's undoing his belt so he can sodomize prancer pic.twitter.com/axniGjf0

what is nickel back

baby's first shutter shades #kimye

It's that time of night when my sister pulls out the R&B Christmas playlist. #merryfuckingchristmas

merry christmas from the asshole snowman who knocked over your tree and is now standing on it pic.twitter.com/SKjvqihN

PLEASE NO SILLY ANSWERS!!!!@#@!!! pic.twitter.com/NoKs1gpQ

"That's my boob and it's not bra-d" - my roomate after I hit her

YOU MADE @cher CRY, OHIO

It's been one year since I cried on @conanobrien 's breast pic.twitter.com/VohFkEHv