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Walked into a party and a drunk girl greeted me by screaming, "CONAN O'BRIEN!". My work here is done.
You haven't lived until you've cried by yourself on public transportation.
It's a shame I'm not an artist because I feel like the world is severely lacking in watercolor portraits of Nicolas Cage.
Just when I thought I was getting my shit together, I dropped my iPhone on my face.
theres something so satisfying about seeing a political commercial bashing your former high school principal
i just wanna apologize to anyone who knew me before i started filling in my eyebrows
at starbucks and this girl on her laptop keeps staring at me. i'm gonna assume shes making me the main character in her shitty screenplay.
Just saw a dog riding in a sidecar of a motorcycle so basically I'm having a fantastic day.
Nothing more confusing than a man walking with a bag of dog shit and no dog.
IF YOU TELL ANYONE IVE BEEN WATCHING HILARY DUFF MUSIC VIDEOS FOR THE LAST HOUR I WILL VOMIT ON UR LOVED ONES
"WAIT.."HEY ARNOLD" WAS FILMED IN QUEENS?!" -actual thing Chelsea just said with complete sincerity
If you told 14 year old me that'd I'd be moving to NYC today she'd probably just scowl at you and walk away because who the fuck are you?
I "live" multiple times a week.
As if seeing one Oscar Meyer wiener mobile wasnt enough during my commute, THERE'S TWO. TWO FUCKING WIENER MOBILES PEOPLE
me: IM SO FUCKING TIRED I NEED TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW **checks twitter & facebook & instagram & vine & myspace & aim & friendster**
We all just walk around and pretend like we didn't let Nelly wear a fucking bandaid on his face during the early 2000s.