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Walked into a party and a drunk girl greeted me by screaming, "CONAN O'BRIEN!". My work here is done.
It's a shame I'm not an artist because I feel like the world is severely lacking in watercolor portraits of Nicolas Cage.
Just saw a dog riding in a sidecar of a motorcycle so basically I'm having a fantastic day.
Nothing more confusing than a man walking with a bag of dog shit and no dog.
You are only christened as a New Yorker when a mysterious liquid drips on your head while you walk along a subway platform.
I have to stop using Nickelback as a weapon.
just gonna let my phone die and not charge it for the rest of the weekend because i am an individual and i am bëÿöñčë bye world
Every cold is a chance for me to have a sexy voice for 3 to 5 days.
My favorite part of working out is when I lay on the floor afterwards and sob for 45 minutes.
what is nickel back
"That's my boob and it's not bra-d" - my roomate after I hit her