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Just gave making casual conversation with someone who wears sunglasses indoors a second try.
Hey look, another person on Facebook hates liars.
How does a Mexican gangster respond to a joke?
My allergies are really acting up from all of these flowers I'm not getting.
Apparently the conclusory note of "adios bitchachos" in my speeches will never be respected in this establishment.
I spend hours reading and starring tweets. Therefore, I consider myself cultured and pretty much a philanthropist.
If your roommate's hands smell nauseatingly like peanut butter when she's sleeping, stop smelling your roommate's hands when she's sleeping.
You look like the kind of person who says commode.
Just used my white belt with a black stripe karate skills to show this bug in my room who is boss. YES.
Professor: what do you read for pleasure; where do you get your news?
Me: don't say twitter, don't say twitter, don't say twitter.
I'm not religious so I don't partake in Lent. However, I'm aware of what a sacrifice is.
And staying off social sites for 40 days isn't it.
"I hope you don't accidentally hit the button that shoots you out of the sunroof." - me, to my 7 y/o nephew messing with the seat controls.
Classmate: do you have any Advil?
Me: No, but I have Altoids.
Is this why people find me useless?
There is one reason, and one reason only I am glad I am not a man. Sitting next to another guy, then suddenly, bam.
The leg hair touch.
I use hashtags as much as I floss. Or wait, as much as I make bad analogies. Or lie about flossing. Often.
Coffee shops are filled with two things I hate. The pungent aroma of coffee and people who casually integrate "betwixt" into conversation.
Not sure what I'm more upset about: a roommate's friend sitting in my Papasan chair or knowing his ass annihilated my secret Oreo population
I hate when people ask my who my favorite comedian is, I have to pull out my phone, scroll, and name each and every one of you.
I would like riding in the car with my mom more if it wasn't a cigarette drenched eighty mile per hour Elton John concert on wheels.
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