I'm the only person I've ever known who has brought their own bookshelf to a dorm. Does that answer if I'm going out for thirsty Thursday?

There are more people whose love is most tightly wound upon mutual adoration of a red, sugary, pre-packaged condiment than stars in the sky.

Stop the planet, I just had honeydew melon that didn't suck.

I would've solved that Rubik's cube in 5th grade if I knew not doing so would lead me into adulthood unable to untangle this piece of hair.

I was asked to drive someone to the store just for Kool-aid. It was the dumbest thing I've ever heard until she said "it's to dye my tips."

When you equate a struggle with you doing something wrong, then reevaluate your mind before you do that with what you're actually doing.

I fondly admire science, but what it will never explain is the infinitely better tasting omelette that's made when I rap to Beastie Boys.

@brookefullerton this summer all four of us should roadtrip across America until we find it!

I've now perfected applying mascara in the dark. Next up, to grow a spine and turn on the light even though my roommate's still asleep.

I always want to be a jack of all trades until I recall the idiocy of how Martha Stewart's deviled egg making hands also design dog collars.

Well, that's the last time I assume mustard greens taste and function similarly to that of iceberg lettuce.

Macadamia nuts taste strangely like the wooden table I busted my mouth on twelve years ago as my mom screamed at me to "act civil for once."

But Congresssss, I live in Texas. A flat, dry, empty place where a fiscal, or cliff of any kind, does not exist.

I'm not saying my Mom is cold-blooded but when she got up from the couch and I immediately stole her seat there was no remaining warm spot.

Mom knocks on door: too faint to hear, I remain asleep.

Dad knocks on door: so barbaric, loud, and emotionally unsettling I need therapy.

I skateboarded down aisles of Walmart yesterday and no videos went viral. Go ahead and steal floss or something, the cameras are all fake.

Quick! Kids I watched sleep through the semester! Please take a picture in front of a whiteboard embellished with esoteric terms to FB.

Sigh. If there were only a type of medium to communicate my fragmented, pseudo-inspirational thoughts better than a paint color sample card.

As a child it's acceptable to question everything around you since it's new. As an adult, I fail to see how the world is any less new to me.

Eating at a restaurant alone, but with everyone staring at me empathetically it's like everyone is sitting at my table.