How can I make it clear to a co-worker that if I can see the outline of his penis I do not want to have a conversation with him?

Made it to Florida! Smells like a tanning salon up in this bitch.

Can't wait to pull this Crest white strip off so I can start in on this bottle of cabernet.

I ate an entire sleeve of Fig Newtons today. No big whoop.

New years resolution is to stop dressing like a lesbian to work. That means four more days of comfy corduroys and ill-fitting cardigans.

"I hope this doesn't offend you but every time I burp I say 'I'm Sarah VanDenBerg' after" - something someone just said to me

@amberdonn I JUST learned this wasn't a real bank.

New kid at work made a comment about my ass.. then tried apologizing later. Looks like someone has a new work bitch.

I know I'm getting close to Miami because I can hear "the thong song" getting louder.

An older gent at the DMV told me I was pretty and gave me his card. Wants me to let him know if I'm ever interested in building a log home.

OMG, ponytail guy is at the bar. I wonder if he's wearing a wolf shirt!

@joeypositivity omg. Fucking love this. Best movie ever.

I think I'm going to move to Oregon because they have lots of tater tots and I like those.

@joeypositivity ew.

#chatroulette on valentines day.

@joeypositivity there are other great things that come with being from Boston. Like losing your fucking shit when you hear "sweet caroline"

Jimmy Choo should come out with an athletic sneaker and call them "Gymmy Shoes".

I actually saw a black person today! #newhampshire

The Little Lebowski Urban Achievers are in first place. I am on that team! #bowling  http://instagr.am/p/SBly2Ii0Lo/ 

@joeypositivity and I font ever say font