I wipe my ass back and forth

Have you heard the saying I've burned a lot of crosses?-mom
Mom I think it's bridges- me

Lads. Chap. Cheerio. Mate. Cunt. Can I be British now?

Hand jobs are for ugly girls.

Twitter: where the bitches come to bitch.

Baby, Justin bieber will never follow you

Maybe if we sacrifice Lil Wayne to the gods they'll give The Notorious B.I.G back.

It worries me that some of you are producing future generations.

Why can't it be move like Keith Richards?

I'm only going to follow back of you're funny or a total babe because twitter won't let me follow a lot of people. Sorry guys.

I use white out as concealer. #palegirlproblems

So Reagan is like Jesus for the republicans right?

At the age of 16 - 80% of people have already met the person they are going to marry... I wonder where this bitch got her statics?

I'd definitely have sex with #aladdin on his magic carpet. #singlemuch?

Me: man it's hot in here.
Mom: so take off all your clothes

A lot of these British boys are good looking chaps. Is that what they call themselves? Chaps?

I was about to snatch a bitch up by the weave while she was getting her weave done.- me at the hair salon

You're so pretty I bet your dad has to keep a gun to keep the boys away. Is that a compliment in the south?

I'm pretty sure most of the people watching the new Beavis and Butthead episodes didn't know it was on in the 90s. #sad

Choose life... Your mom did. #funnyprolifeslogans