I just watched a guy get out of his car so his wife could parallel park it for him. Dude, kill yourself.

If you like professional wrestling, then you support gay rights because holy fucking shit, pro wrestling is 1,000% gayer than gay sex.

Everything happens for a reason, even if that "thing" is "dying alone" and the "reason" is "cats."

I bet midget dolphins are insanely cute.

I parkoured away from the cops again tonight.

I'm about to be on live TV for the first time in my career and the 9 year old in me wants to show the world my wiener.

If anyone else put their bare asshole on my hand, there'd be trouble. #cats

Just once I'd like to see some goddamn gratitude from a fish for cutting those plastic rings all the time.

Imagine a pink baby bird sitting in-between two tiny eggs inside a dense nest. Now squint your mind... That looks exactly like my groin.

You can all suck my well-rested-seeing-star-trek-at-10am-opening-day-croissant-eating DICK

If you watch MMA in super-slow motion, you can see the fighters discreetly giving each other multiple orgasms.

Hey songs that mention other songs: Not at all 100% distracting.

Every time a radio commercial says "for people like you," I like to yell back "you don't KNOW ME!!"

If you love hot sauce packets, you can eat like a king for free at Taco Bell! #hobotips #streetlife #urbansurvival

Romeo, Romeo where the fuck art thou, Romeo? I texted you like 15 times and haven't heard anything back. WHAT'S HER NAME?

A guy just ordered an iced coffe as a "coffee on the rocks" DO I KILL HIM OR ASK HIM TO BE MINE

What's worse: eating toaster strudel for breakfast as an adult or forgetting you don't own a toaster on your way home from the store? #troof

I took my bike in to get checked out because it seemed hard to pedal and the guy said I was just weak and have no leg strength. #honesty

Movie idea: Pain & Gain, but with Jurassic Park replacing it entirely.

Starting a meth addiction? Get your teeth capped first. Boom, saved your teeth. Beautiful smile.