A wise person once said "Facebook is where you go to lie to your friends, while Twitter is where you tell the truth to total strangers".

This "morning after" pill hasn't done shit for my hangover. In fact, I feel worse...

Why do we refer to dead people as "late"? News flash - they ain't coming...

Is Suri still allowed on the spaceship???

Wife brought home single-ply toilet paper and I'm thinking we should see a marriage counselor

There is a sensor on the bottom stair in my house when my foot hits it my wife automatically says "before you come downstairs could you...?"

I don't see how these fried foods are making me "stronger" Kelly Clarkson, but I will keep eating them...

Tom Cruise and John Travolta are lucky Scientology still has its "don't ask don't tell" policy

I googled @jennyandteets nude, and this is what came up. Well played my friend, well played #myeyesareburning http://t.co/2V5ktdJP

My 3 yr old son w/ special needs just walked me to the bathroom door, went in & did his business. Don't think much is gonna bother me today

Don't waste your time trying to discuss gun control w/ the NRA - its the equivalent of arguing w/ your toddler over eating their veggies

I've never believed in worshiping false idols. But American idols are totally okay, I mean, who doesn't love some Clay Aiken!

My superpower is always being early for golf and always being late for anything involving my in-laws

I say whatever I want about my wife on Twitter. You know why? Because I'm a MAN! (And she's on Facebook)

People who thank you for retweets, stars and trophies are WAY too polite to be on Twitter...

I've got it Hollywood - bullet to the brain kills zombies. But what the hell are we supposed to do about Gingers?

If your Tweet was awesome and I did not star, retweet, or comment - I probably didn't see it.

@jeremypiven "Inside Job" amazing film about corrupt US financial industry. Please retweet so more than my 15 followers hear

Guess what guy/girl complaining if your Presidential Candidate loses you are moving to Canada? NEWS FLASH - Canada doesn't want you!

I'm losing followers faster than a Kardashian grows eyebrows