Really tempted to stop at the Best Buy where I see people camped out for Black Friday and ask what went wrong in their life.

7yo on the death penalty: "I disagree with it 'cause Mom, you wouldn't believe how many times [sister] gets busted for stuff I actually do."

It pisses me off that our kids will never know what it's like to have to wait by the radio to record a song onto tape. IT BUILT CHARACTER.

This morning, six-year-old told me to "Stop! Collaborate and listen." then followed with a moonwalk. Fuckyeah I'm raisin' these kids right.

These little Quaker rice snacks would be awesome if they were made out of steak and not just air and sadness.

So to recap, having two moms in two different homes because of divorce is okay, but having two moms in one home is not okay. Hmmm.

IF YOU HAVE RIGHT OF WAY DO NOT COME TO A STOP TO GIVE ME RIGHT OF WAY I DON'T CARE HOW NICE YOU THINK YOU'RE BEING IT FUCKS EVERYTHING UP

When my grandmother asks why I'm still single, I tell her it's because I have chosen the Path of the Jedi.

“ASKTH MEH HUH MINNY MARTHMAWOAHS I KIN FEH IN MAH MOUF.” -my tombstone

A person who dislikes Johnny Cash is not really a person I care to know.

Willing to scan and email this weeks grocery tab for our family of five to any teenagers thinking about having unprotected sex this century.

Also: my phone corrects “gummies” to “gym more” and I DO NOT LIKE YOUR TONE, PHONE.

Be the strange you want to see in the world.

Well, THAT label sure was misleading. A more accurate name would be Southern Discomfort. Or Southern Promise Y'all Wake Up Naked In A Field.

I’m just saying that our schools might not be so poor if we scrapped the Box Tops 4 Education program and went with Wine Corks 4 Education.

“Here, take this tiny dependent sociopath and turn them into a decent independent human.” —parenting

Kids are just tiny drunk squirrels.

Hello. My name is Brianna Johnson. You got my daughter an annoying musical toy. Prepare to die.

When is "fuckton" going to be officially accepted as a unit of measurement? --because it is probably the one I use most.

Every day I cheerfully think "I can't possibly loathe mankind any more than I did yesterday!" Every day, I stand corrected.