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I wonder how many incorrectly used apostrophes could be avoided if people whose names end with S weren't allowed to own things.
What do you get if you cross an octopus with a cow? A stern rebuke from the Research Ethics Committee and an immediate cessation of funding.
The fact that there aren't Beats stethoscopes makes me think Dr Dre might not be a real doctor.
I'd like to see MC Hammer and MC Escher collaborate. You can't touch this! It's actually far away. Trick of perspective. IT'S ESCHER TIME.
I'm giving up the past tense for Lend.
Fool your defrosted lasagne into thinking it has been cryogenically frozen for over 3000 years by pretending to be robot while you eat it.
"Do you expect me to talk?"
"No Mr Bond, I expect you to SING!"
Goldfinger - The Musical
Dear Sir/Madam, Do you think I sign off my formal letters inappropriately? Yours, with a love that burns as bright as a thousand suns, John.
And isn't it surreal, don't you think?
IT'S LIKE FLYING WHALES ON YOUR WEDDING DAY
IT'S A FREE RIDE WHEN YOUR CAT IS THE POPE
A British remake of Speed: A bus driver doesn't know the route and keeps driving past stops. The passengers are too polite to say anything.
We built this city on avant-garde jazz and now I'm lost and it doesn't make any sense and the road signs all just say "Dig!"
An email saying your McAfee virus protection has expired is a lot like someone telling you the hamster guarding your house has wandered off.
I like how the "save" icon on computers is still a floppy disk. It's like if road signs all had pictures of horses on them.
In Hell, all the air guitar solos you did in your life are transposed on to a real guitar and played back to you.
Sometimes life is easy, like wheeling backwards on an office chair. Other times it is difficult, like wheeling forwards on an office chair.
It is your turn at charades and the answer is "charades". You are now trapped in some kind of party game version of Inception.
Hold a penguin up to your ear and you'll hear the sound of a zookeeper shouting at you to put the penguin down immediately.
After his claims that he could "remember when rock was young" geologists estimated Elton John to be over 4 billion years old.
I am imagining no possessions. Where are my socks? This is terrible. You didn't think this through John Lennon.
Sometimes when it rains I like to go outside holding a cocktail umbrella and pretend I'm a giant who makes bad decisions.