Twitter is the alley out back, behind the Internet.

The original tweeters had to retweet manually. Barefoot in the snow, uphill both ways.

Baby's new high chair has wheels. She makes me push her around the house while she pretends she's Stephen Hawking.

I buy Extra Slutty Olive Oil to save money.

Creepy: People who request middle seats on airplanes.

Twitter: Because the mind is a terrible thing.

Sure, go ahead and have your "sex." I'll have just as much fun jumping up and down on my mattress trying to spill this wine glass.

Yo llama's so fat I just shaved three sweaters off her ass.

How much Norris would a Chuck Norris chuck if a Chuck Norris could Chuck Norris?

I hate to point it out but ... people used to get paid to write material as creative and funny as the stuff you people post on here.

The Weather Channel is reporting thick cloud cover over Colorado tonight.

"I'd hit that." ~The Satellite.

My wife said she was in the mood for sex tonight. It's 11pm and she's still not home yet. Must be stuck in traffic.

Help. I can't feel your legs.

my cat insists i refer to him as a "feline-american"

How To Crash Twitter: I thank you for following me. Then you thank me for thanking you. Then I thank you for thanking me for thanking you...

Why do women have to do the walk of shame while men get to take a victory lap?

Twitter is so ... distant. I want to meet you people. Hang out, drink, and yuck it up. Make each other soup when we're sick. Crap like that.

Does soft porn feature guys with erectile dysfunction?

Don't worry, you're not a bad mother. Detective John Shaft was a bad mother.