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Someday, I want to get my hair cut by someone with only one name ... like on their drivers license ... the real thing.
I would like to attend an air glockenspeil contest.
I'm going to live for a while because this beer I'm drinking says it expires in September of 2031.
Siri: Change wife to ex-wife, girlfriend to fiance, Tina from Tinder to girlfriend, and put lawyer in Favorites.
"You don't get to have EVERYTHING you want ..."
On a first date, I always start a raging argument just to see how it goes.
I'm going to Couchella this year.
Didn't American Birdman win anything?
I look forward to being old enough to say anything I want on social media, or putting anything I want in my browser history.
The CEO of UPS better have a PhD from Brown.
If laughter is the best medicine, shouldn't WebMD just retweet all of our best jokes?
My 2014 girlfriend was the coldest on record.
I can't wait to see who the mob and network executives have chosen to win this year's Super Bowl. I hope it's the Packers.
I used WebMD when it was still an undergrad and now I walk with a limp.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
If you drop a Viagra does it bounce right back up into your hand?
Jiffy Lube should probably slow things down a little. Start with a glass of wine. Talk to the customer for a while.
We gain a year tonight. Don't forget to set your clocks ahead.
My jokes will be here, all weak.
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