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Is gluten what's inside of butts?
Before WebMD went to medical school it was WebBS.
Sex after 40? You mean years or times? Cuz after 40 times, I'm like: "Next!"
I heart lungs. ~Pulmonologists.
He's married. Sorry.
I'm so old that I don't drink to forget. I forget to drink.
I sleep on 1-thread-count sheets. Okay, it's a strand of dental floss.
Ladies, admit it. When you say you're going "shoe shopping," you're going to buy at least two ...
It's going to be sunny tomorrow. I think I'll pull down the blinds and read Dickens' "Bleak House."
Membership in "It's Just Lunch" was just surpassed by the website "There's No Way I'm Sleeping With You."
Unsolved murders happen as a result of the perpetrator watching all ten seasons of Columbo.
I'm on this awesome diet that lets me eat or drink whatever the hell I want.
At the wedding reception, introduce the bride by saying: "This is my first wife ..."
"Abstinence, herbal supplements, and classical music!" ~No one ever.
When cornered by sheep sing: "Do Ewe Really Want To Hurt Me?"
I'm old but not "lick my pencil tip before i write" old.
I would not clap for classical rap.
In my day, we took "selfies" by running face first into a wet stucco wall.
I started dancing and singing "Flashlight" in that aisle of the hardware store and now security is walking me out in a Full Nelson.