I skydive with scissors.

I can't believe you guys don't use "selfie" as an adjective. Like: "She's soooo selfie."

Pro Tip: If you make a hyphenated last name out of the ten most popular names in the world, you'll easily get a job as a TV sports announcer

"Do you really want to squirt me?" ~Boy George, age 3, with water pistol.

Don't worry about the government monitoring your calls. They'll contract it out to the lowest bidder and it will never really get done.

Apple just announced some exciting new plugs to make everything you just bought totally incompatible.

The world's oldest man died today at 116. He died of natural causes while riding his motorcycle home from skydiving with his two girlfriends

Facebook now has hashtags. Next week they'll get manual likes.

2 out of 3 babies born today will act like babies until they are 35.

I can't wait for the sun to go down and for it to be Hump Night.

Things that drop: Flies, stocks, hot stuff, new CDs, but apparently, never, ever: the charges.

I'm late for work today because the hipster in front of me needed to make sure that the cinnamon on his non-fat soy latte was fairly traded.

When you wait till after the holidays to break up with someone: delationship.

I bet pirates are waiting for the version of Pinterest that lets you throw knives at the screen.

My girlfriend was yelling at me over the phone and the NSA guy chimed in and said: "Take it easy, honey, he's not such a bad guy."

NSA = No Sexts Anymore

You know the guy in the bar really works for the NSA when he tells you that he'll call you but never asks for your number.

I think I've seen you in the Facebook they have down at the police station.

Can you dumb that up for me?

When corporations and the government monitor all of our communications we're going to have to start getting together and talking again.