Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
"Potty was full!" ~G-rated version.
I asked my 4yo how old daddy is and she said "26" and now she is eating a dozen cookies.
Pro Tip: For your next conference call, don't call in. No one notices. You're welcome.
Sorry, I need to keep my socks on. I feel naked without them.
Yeah, but when are they going to make a 3D fax machine?
As a result of lifting the Cuban trade embargo, all 30 teams will win the World Series next year.
Nope. Your soul mate isn't that hot jerk that you're checking out.
I used to run with scissors. Now I limp with scissors. Stupid scissors.
If you're thinking about getting married, just stay with that. It's 99% of the excitement.
This couple at the next table over put their phones down and are TALKING. Ugh. Get a room.
When I was a baby, I crawled with scissors.
I go to Thai restaurants just to use all my puns.
Oh, I thought you said "grope hug." My bad.
I'm not that much fun. I'll put it back on the hook. Deflate the jam. Put a new roof on the mothersucker. Then lower it.
The next episode of Mythbusters will refute everything I've ever said to women in a bar.
So I was hanging out with some friends the other night and ... alright ... just kidding ... I don't really have any friends.
Nepotism: Hollywood is full of family success stories, yet, there is no Gabe Ruth, Morris Kasparov, or Kristina Navratilova.