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I buy Extra Slutty Olive Oil to save money.
I wonder if Apple realizes that iOS7's dramatic, slow fade-ins and animations will keep drivers' eyes off of the road for longer?
I pun with scissors.
The Supreme Court has declared prunes unconstipational.
I could lay on the couch for 18 hours and stage a chill-ibuster.
My retirement plan is to save up for a hose to run from my exhaust pipe into my car window.
Why do married people always say that they never have sex? My wife just told me that she had sex like ten times last week.
I can't let a foot hang off of the edge of the bed while I sleep, because, sharks.
Blowing it way out of proportion sounds painful.
Twitter is the alley out back, behind the Internet.
Black Friday shoppers up this year, but sales are down. That's when 20,000 people stampede into the store but then say: "Just looking."
No more junkies humping on the bed.
My wife said she was in the mood for sex tonight. It's 11pm and she's still not home yet. Must be stuck in traffic.
I think whiskey's reputation would vastly improve if they started putting Viagra in it.
If I lost my arms, legs, and torso in a fight, I'd quit while I was a head.
YOFO: What people realize the day after they get married.
MnMA fighters throw candy at each other.
We're not too many years away from little old ladies sitting around reminiscing while listening to punk and thrash metal.
My kid just gave the UPS guy a tie.
My relationship is very psychological. She's psycho and I'm logical.