@sarkastickunt's (ms. diagnosed) most faved Tweets...
How many calories do you burn from rolling your eyes? Because after reading status updates on Facebook, I should be emaciated.
Listening to someone noisily chew pretzels isn't half as annoying as trying to get their blood out of your carpet.
Going costume shopping for the kids because they vetoed my suggestion that they go as grubby, sticky fingered, little life ruiners.
A homeless guy on the train told me he hasn't eaten in 3 days. I'm jealous. I wish I had that kind of willpower.
When a kid with the stomach flu comes running toward you holding their ass screaming, "IT WASN'T A FART!!" Get the fuck out of the way.
I put my panties on one leg at a time, just like everyone else. It's how I take them off that makes me special.
That noise you hear in the dressing room next to yours is just me shoving Hershey's miniatures into my face as I cry into my purse.
Twitter is better than a relationship because where my boyfriend only does it for 20 minutes, Twitter went down on me ALL DAY.
The best part of my new engagement ring is how easily I can slip it into my pocket when I meet other guys.
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