Today I gave a married man my phone number, to give to his wife. #TakeThatHowYouWill

RT @jennyjohnsonhi5: Bed and breakfasts should be called "Lace Pillow Cum Dens"

RT @kellyoxford: Donald Trump, you can not imagine the immensity of the fuck we do not give.

Is it a homeless or a hipster?

RT @ty_schutz: Irish-farts smell like potatoes, whiskey, and perpetual civil war.

Its not how long you've known someone, its how well you know them. I'm about to stab this bitch next to me and I've known her 5 mins.

Right? http://plixi.com/p/76577103

"On the new episode of CSI, Justin Beiber investigates a very serious discovery, pubes." -Jimmy Fallon

Boys, don't ask me to dance. I'm not leaving my girl, Stella, stiff.

@peaceloveandk hhaha as that tweet was posting, I thought to myself, "Fuck, Kelseys gonna top this one."

Anytime I need a good laugh, I put on "Fighting Over Me" by Paris Hilton. Yes, it's a song. No, it's not meant to be funny.

Act like an asshole, I'll make sure to throw ketchup packets by your feet so you step on them and ruin the kicks. Woopsies.

@peaceloveandk The fact that there's a musical to Buffy and I never knew about it, perplexes me. The fact that your watching it, greatness.