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Today I gave a married man my phone number, to give to his wife. #TakeThatHowYouWill
Is it a homeless or a hipster?
Its not how long you've known someone, its how well you know them. I'm about to stab this bitch next to me and I've known her 5 mins.
"On the new episode of CSI, Justin Beiber investigates a very serious discovery, pubes." -Jimmy Fallon
Boys, don't ask me to dance. I'm not leaving my girl, Stella, stiff.
Anytime I need a good laugh, I put on "Fighting Over Me" by Paris Hilton. Yes, it's a song. No, it's not meant to be funny.
Act like an asshole, I'll make sure to throw ketchup packets by your feet so you step on them and ruin the kicks. Woopsies.