If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

"No. That's too much harmonica." - Nobody in Blues Traveler

Show me a scrapbooking enthusiast who wears velour tracksuits and I'll show you a woman named Tish.

Just ate my lunch in a cemetary because I don't want to be that weirdo who eats at a restaurant alone.

I don't mean to brag but I would've been a total babe in the 1630s.

I'm really into going green as long as it doesn't inconvenience me or change how I do things in any way.

Listening to your iPod in public? Don't forget to nod your head a lot so everybody knows that you enjoy phat beats.

I'd rather choke to death on a hotdog in front a million people than be the lone middle-aged woman dancing in front of a band.

There's no way to tell if an Aaron Neville CD is skipping.

I was going to post a picture of my cute, smart, animal-loving, funny boyfriend today but he had an early unicorn back to Atlantis. :(

Good luck hearing the word 'dirtbag' anywhere other than a crime drama or a Home Depot.

The main difference between me and my much wealthier cousin is that she buys Q-tip brand Q-tips.

Guess who's going to change the light bulb that just blew out in my kitchen? That's right, whoever moves in after my lease is up.

So far I'm 0 for 1,000,000 in my attempts to make handsome men fall in love with me by doing nothing other than sitting alone.

My friend had her baby over a month ago and still hasn't started a mommy blog. Not sure she's taking this thing seriously.

Probably gonna take a year off to bookbag around Europe.

"Okay, so it's about this guy named Tony-" "I'm in!" -Tony Danza at every pitch meeting he's ever been to.

Why is it that when I see an elderly person eating supper alone, it's "sad" but when I do it, it's "every night of my life"?

"Women are manipulative and easily won over by hideous heart-shaped jewelry." -Jewelry store commercials

I like my coffee like I like my men... all over my sweater, apparently.