Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE FUCK UP' out loud instead of just in my head.

Don't you ever apologize for being exactly who you are.

It's the people who made you feel that way who should apologize.

Want to know who your true friends are?

Go through a crisis.

Anyone still standing by you?

That's them. Cherish them.

It's insane how someone you never knew existed yesterday can turn into someone you can't imagine not being in your tomorrow.

I will never ever be the drunk girl crying in the bathroom in the bar.

I may be the drunk girl throwing up next to her though.

Don't you ever leave those words unspoken. Ever. You get that shit out.

Earlier today I accidentally touched my dog's schlong when I was rubbing his belly. We have not been able to make eye contact since.

Fuck it. Just be you. It's enough.

People, life is short.

You've really got to tell those assholes to fuck off while you still have time.

Today I was told that I am a walking piece of art.

Gentlemen, in case you were wondering, that is a fucking guarantee panty dropper.

I tweet, I lose followers.
I don't tweet, I lose followers.
I RT, I lose followers.
I swear, lose followers.

I don't give a fuck, I win.

Every time I use profanity I lose followers so I've decided to keep this one clean.


How the fuck was that you mother fucking asshole?!

Why do some ppl put 'true story' after their tweets?

Wait, WAIT the fuck up! Do you mean we're allowed to make up this shit?
Mother fuck.

I like to use my tits as weapons of mass distraction.

We all know people who are struggling. Just show up and be there for them. Just fucking be there.

There's something about having an old friend who knew who you used to be, knows who you are now, and accepts everything you were in between.

Some roads need to be walked alone ... but always bring booze. Always.

My boss just asked me how he can set up a twitter account for business purposes. I told him I had absolutely no fucking clue how to do that.

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.

Maybe all we all need is a good night's sleep.

Together.

Naked.

With tons of kissing 'n shit.