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I'm at my most ninja when karate kicking the handle of a public restroom toilet
What's that Aunt Flow? I should get ice cream for dinner, skip the gym and sit on my ass all night?
Roger that
There was a spider in my office so I did what any sane person would do and slowly backed out and left for the day
Is it true that all sense of pride in personal appearance is dead? Asking for 90% of the people at the beach
My signature move is shaking off my vagina after I piss cause I'm pretty much a dude
Ahhh, it's gonna be a beautiful mornOH MY GOD there's a hornet in my room!!!
*vacuums up hornet*
*vomits all over vacuum*
*passes out*
Sometimes I get overwhelmed with sadness over the realization that I'll never be able to 'teabag' anything :(
You down with PCP? Yeah you know me I'll be running down the highway naked with all my purple unicorn friends
Too bad there's no Olympic sport called 'inability to find a suitable mate much to the dismay of family
& friends' I'd gold metal that shit!
Random nana at nail salon just gave me a 30 minute long history of her arthritis and what level of Hell is this?
Katy Perry and John Mayer's romance ended after only 3 months, but at least she'll always have the occasional outbreak to remember him by.
I can't tell if people at the beach are staring at me cause the gym is paying off or cause of my obvious camel toe
Hey ladies, nothing sexier than that moment when you get out of the shower and pull like 10 hairs out of your ass crack, amiright?
Everyone on FB has pics of their kids going to school so I dropped a big brown baby in the toilet and gave it a good flush and now I feel ok
Ladies, if your happy trail rivals that of Tom Selleck's mustache, shave it. I can add that to a list of shit I never want to see again
Shout out to the couple having a full on fight at the grocery store over oven roasted chicken!! Shit is getting real y'all!
If you take life too seriously, I will seriously punch you
