Does every tweet have to be funny or can we say serious stuff about our genitals too? (asking for a friend)

My four year old just flicked a booger at me and it looked like Jesus. Soooo, that counts as church right?

Let's just say I won't be winning any parenting awards this morning and leave it at that.

I'm up, I'm sober...this sucks

I remember the good times, sitting out in the woods by the old train tracks drinking cheap beer
(last night)

Neat, my phone autocorrects assface to assfacehole...even better!

Drinking alone isn't a bad thing as long as you're doing Twitter right?

Do we have to apologize for drunk tweets or is that just understood on Twitter? (asking for a friend, me)

I'm wearing a t-shirt out tonite that says "I'd rather be on Twitter" #sad

If I deleted it, it means it didn't happen.

Even the "best" mommies smell like beer sometimes kids.

Quick, I need someone to come over here and bitch slap me for clicking on a trending topic!

I have little voices in my head for all of you based on your avatars. Does everyone do that? Alrighty, I'm just gonna....yeah

Don't tickle me I have diarrhea!

Dexter is my spirit animal.

It's pretty amazing what you can accomplish by putting on a pair of headphones and ignoring everything around you.

Does anyone know of a good laundry app?

Just had a pretty disturbing dream about extra grunty caveman sex. Somehow I'm blaming Twitter. Also, my brain is in a timeout.

If you send me a text that just says K we're in a fight.

I'm really bad at "allegedly" hiding stuff around the house. Apparently.