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Perfected a new yoga pose called "still sleeping."
The economy is so bad a man in a van asked me for candy.
Ran a 5cm tonight.
The lyrics to the Hokey Pokey sound like one of my failed attempts to get dressed.
After dropping something on the floor three times in a row I decide that's where it belongs.
Most people seem to have more of a learning "slope."
Ever think birds might be screaming not chirping?
As I was running I passed a few teens taking photos of themselves making duck faces so I tapped one on the head and yelled "goose!"
If you don't get along with anyone, have you considered a career in customer service?
There's a new version of Pilates where all you do stand in the shower and think about your core issues.
Clear plastic bra straps: we can see you.
I don't judge people. I silently grade them.
Every time someone sends me a text with "u" in it I assume Prince has taken over the conversation.
If you really want people to leave you alone, carry around your laundry.
If you have a tattoo in a language you don't understand it says "moron."
Christmas trees don't remind me of Christmas, they remind me of a forest and how nice it would be to live there with no one to bother me.
Wish I knew how to yodel. It looks like fun and really seems to annoy people.
The best way to scare a child is to jiggle underarm fat at them.
You say overdue bill, I say coaster.
Writer/Person/Will Take Candy From Your Baby http://www.funnyordie.com/ad_absurdum http://heylady-asktabitha.com/ http://lifeofftherails.tumblr.com
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