I think we all know that children are the most swift identity thieves.

*opens can of tuna for the first time* WHAT DID YOU ANIMALS DO TO THESE FISH?!?!?

Here's a RapidBot Mega™, go 3D-print someone who cares

My problem with podcasts is they're hosted by people who think they're funny enough to host podcasts

A swizzle stick walks into a bar. It sits down, orders a drink and recounts to the bartender the stirring tale of his recent divorce.

It would be cool if there were earbuds for your taste buds, so you could listen to your food while eating.

Their full band name is actually Hootward and the Mighty Blowfish of Elysian Fields

It'd be nice if I could watch an hour of trashy TV without seeing a goddamn commercial for yogurt or personal lubricant. #2013 #RIPRooney

Fella has "gorn fight" music playing. I'm in bed. Thank god it's both relaxing AND sexy.

It doesn't really matter what pill I choose until someone please brings me a glass of water. pic.twitter.com/mUoqzvuetv

Today was so stressful. I hate meditation.

I am drinking fruity drinks & I'm a real cool dude.

My neighbor Sir Ralph told me my "Puppy vs. Marinara Sauce" vid is for sure going viral #ISureHopeSo #Cute #SaucyPuppy #YouGotSauced #Garlic

I could surely go for la petite mort right now, but my spirit is weak.

I don't know Daft Punk from a ham sandwich.

Wife made it through son playing Bad Brains, Danzig but Judas Priest was too much. Now listening to NPR.

If kidnapped, try to humanize yourself to your abductor by telling him your name, or a couple of mainstream bands you actually sort of like.

Anyone have a medal I can give to the guy next to me wearing a suit with leather sandals?

Paralyzed Cookie Monster says, "Numb, numb, numb."

This guy down the hall’s all mad because he said “hi” and I said “nice pants.”

Barry or whatever