And then God said there was only one set of footprints in the sand because he got tired of your shit and wanted to take a nap.

"Money is the root of all evil." - people not qualified for a Platinum Card

Sometimes I crave a specific food for absolutely no reason. So, yeah, I can totally relate to what pregnant women go through.

I'm not a negative person. I'm just very realistic about all of the terrible things that can and will happen in the future.

I have bad taste because my mother dropped me on my tongue as a baby.

Apparently "up in them guts" is not the appropriate response for when the attractive hiring manager asks where you see yourself in 5 years

Scream your way to a better life.

When I see couples kiss in public I slowly approach them and slide my hands down each of their back pockets because I'm so, so lonely

I read in the New England Journal of Medicine that all women are crazy. It's written in color pencil by me, but it's definitely in there.

Hard at work on my new conservative rap album, "Atlas Thugged."

If a woman is being irrational or emotional, be sure to point it out to her, tell her to relax, and get ready for all the kisses.

"I'm gonna pop a cap in my ass! I mean your ass..." - Freudian Crip

Sometimes I wish I was religious so I could have an excuse for hating people.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

I paid an escort over $2,000 for the "Girlfriend Experience" but all she did was sleep with my best friend and insult my mom's cooking.

Waking up with crusty eyes is god's way of telling me to not be so optimistic about today.

People who aren't funny get offended by jokes.

I wish vending machines sold hugs.

Whenever "Kiss from a Rose" plays in public I caress the neck of whoever is standing closest and whisper, "They're playing OUR song."

Not saying I'm lonely but I do have search alerts set up for "Japan kissing robot" and "asexual intercourse"