Goodnight Clydesdales and Goodnight Dodge trucks. Goodnight Blackouts and GoDaddy yucks. And Goodnight to Joe Flacco, pronouncing "fuck".

One Tweet to rule them all. One #Hashtag to bind them. One Tweetup to bring them all, and in the darkness, FourSquare will find them.

There is no War on Women. As long as they keep their legs closed, mouths shut, and have dinner ready by 6pm.

I would like a Weeping Angel tree topper. Is that a thing?

It's funny because the lights would blink.

#thatsenoughsawa

I'm Tweeting™ for™ the™ Cure™. In Pink™. Try to stop™ me™ Komen™.

Everyone is all up in arms over this 2nd Amendment thing.

Don't give up on Twitter, everyone. I need you to star the shit I say.

Why isn't Entitlement one of the 7 Deadly Sins? I think that's way more punch-in-the-face-worthy than Sloth.

I love combining my 2 favorite hobbies: People-watching and murder.

Stouts to the left of me, lagers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with brews.

We're about due for a sink hole, aren't we? #mke

I'm a goddamn ray of fucking sunshine today.

Pride and It's Ok I Have a Black Friend #lessambitiousmovies

When you're as awesome as I am, modesty is just not an option.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for your kids is not have any.

I embraced my German heritage today. And by "embraced" I, of course, mean "chugged".

Boobs.

I just married some coffee. Am I a lesbian now? I know it's a slippery slope. @rebeccaforreal

Protip: "I unfollowed you on Twitter?" is not an appropriate response to "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Best. Headline. Ever. http://t.co/uV7ZdOpO