I fuckin love cake you guys

Spare no expense on quality toilet paper

Nice tits bro

Dear mr police officer. Thanks for hastling me while I park in front of my house. Your a dick! And having tattoos doesn't make me an ex-con!

So baked im dunking chocolate chip cookies in rum and coke

So many humans, so few recipes

When I hit 500 followers im gonna RT all my favorites so everyone unfollows. HA!

Smoking a cigg while sucking on a cough drop because im sick makes me a bad ass, right?

I now see why you guys get so excited when you get a star...

Is starring your own tweet kinda like jerking off?!?

How do I BLOCK myself?

Tonight seems like a good night to go to jail

Sarcasm is hard to detect in a one sentence tweet.

Is it weird that I like to wink?

I dont know if I like indecisive people

My grandma always used to say, if you wouldnt put your face in it, dont put your dick in it

Flattery will get you everywhere.

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.

One time this chick asked me to blow a crack hit up her butt

Im trying to break into this house and their dog keeps barking at me