congrats on your 100th problem jay-z!

CALM DOWN GAS TANK WE'RE ALL EMPTY INSIDE

i don't think i can go back to a white president

porn is so unrealistic who would have sex while the pizza was getting cold so stupid

congratulations to the 57 million new lesbians in america after that half time show!

almost hit a biker while i was texting & driving today so please you guys be careful do NOT ride bikes

a grindr but for nearby puppies to pet

north korea seems like somebody i would date

my legs are so white they just asked me to go to brunch sunday

i feel like there should be a prize for thinking about getting fast food at the end of the night but then not getting it

TESTIFY BILL CLINTON YOU BEAUTIFUL BLACK WOMAN YOU

groupon are you crazy if i had laser hair i would never get it removed

the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing

i just sent my mom an email asking her not to vote for romney  http://bit.ly/Pwj2uU 

"EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU" - facebook

i wonder if china has fancy plates called america

twitter = words without friends

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

shut up iphone we're all dying

if i'm ever on death row my last meal will consist of only confetti because whoops guess who'll be too dead to help clean up