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  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Congrats to Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker on the birth of their twin foals.

    • 57
    • FAVS
    FredPollackiNusku____________HormonellaBeerhazeRyneBraunlukeinvanseriouslyemilyredtothetone______
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Let this be a lesson to everyone: Nobody likes a bitch with 8 kids.

    It's documented.

    • 51
    • FAVS
    FredPollackdonniHormonellaMommyCussAlotBeerhazelukeinvanseriouslyemilyDonnamite1
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    Favstar500Favs
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Sometimes my stars mean "hilarious," sometimes they mean "I agree," and sometimes they mean your tweet gave me a boner. Regardless: enjoy.

    • 42
    • FAVS
    FredPollackiNusku____________HormonellalukeinvanRedMeniceItwasAutumn1974MikeClitoris______redtothetone______
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    I bet those are the most expensive nine holes Tiger has ever played.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    BalutRedMenice_blueeyedzombieMikeClitoris______BlondHousewifeiamsaltlaketwitsandgigglesBillMc7
    • 8
    • RETWEETS
    _1984LilykilydonkeywolfpdxredrabbitMacksvel__just_me_hiT4Tariq__kmil22
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Went to a music store yesterday. Or, as I call it, 1995.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    donniHormonellaBeerhazeMikeClitoris______TristanstoesBlondHousewifeiamsaltlakelafix
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Every time I said I wanted a black taco I got slapped in the face. All the sudden, it's ok now?!

    • 29
    • FAVS
    HormonellaMikeClitoris______BlondHousewifeiamsaltlakelafixtwitsandgiggleslurkeybedheadblonde____
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    It feels strange calling you my 'followers' - I always feel like I should be collecting money from you, or trying to kill you all.

    • 25
    • FAVS
    HormonellaRedMeniceDonnamite1MsVitch__________KarenLyneButlerBlondHousewifeiamsaltlaketwitsandgiggles
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Spent the whole day resisting the urge to spend a huge amount of money. I think I deserve something as a rewOH MY GOD I ALMOST TRICKED ME!

    • 24
    • FAVS
    senoritaperdidaBlondHousewifeiamsaltlakeKinnehlurkeyfactualfiction___freckle_faced____bedheadblonde____
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Tumblr's not down, I rented it out for a private party.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    iNusku____________NoPantsOnAngelaHelgamallbangs______Blue_CrabsayoGirlDetectivePDXRedhead________
    • 2
    • RETWEETS
    JoshPGfrageelay
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    I make it a habit to fart whenever I go into the Apple store.

    Smell Different, you uppity sons-of-bitches.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    oftenwrong11MsVitch__________KarenLyneButlerBlondHousewifeiamsaltlakelafixlurkeypvaras
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    For the last time - it's "masUrbating," not "mastErbating." You're not that good at it.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    BlondHousewifeiamsaltlaketwitsandgigglesKinnehlurkeyMODATfreckle_faced____bedheadblonde____
    • 1
    • RETWEET
    mmemordant
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Hey 6am your face called AND IT'S STUPID!

    • 21
    • FAVS
    _blueeyedzombiesenoritaperdidaMsVitch__________BlondHousewifeiamsaltlakelurkeyPDXRedhead________bedheadblonde____
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Maybe now Sea World will acknowledge that their secret practice of feeding homeless people to whales was a bad idea.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    BalutKarenLyneButlerBlondHousewiferedtothetone______iamsaltlakekrobertsAnrkyFlirtyNikka
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    I wish I knew someone who worked in outdoor advertising so I could nickname him Bilboard Baggins.

    • 20
    • FAVS
    MsVitch__________BlondHousewifelurkeylaughmonkeyboybedheadblonde____MyDogDieseljohn_a_hughes______________________________________freckle_faced____
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    I make the favstar.fm leaderboard quite regularly. Mainly because I am pretty good at being in the first 15 starrers.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    _blueeyedzombieBlondHousewifetwitsandgiggleslurkeybedheadblonde____MyDogDieselbananzajohn_a_hughes______________________________________
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    This vicodin makes me friendly and generous towards strangers. I hate this shit.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    RedMenicesenoritaperdidaBlondHousewifeiamsaltlakelurkeypvarasbedheadblonde____john_a_hughes______________________________________
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Thanks, commercial, for making me picture Jamie Lee Curtis pooping.

    No, seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. Thanks.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    BlondHousewifelafixtwitsandgiggleslurkeypvarasbedheadblonde____bananzajohn_a_hughes______________________________________
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Conference call participant is talking about "real-time loads" and I can't stop giggling.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    RedMenicesenoritaperdidaoftenwrong11BlondHousewiferedtothetone______lurkeybedheadblonde____ImDoubleG________
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    Lifting weights always makes me want to throw up towards the end.

    I mean, IN ADDITION to all the Axe Body Spray.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    RedMeniceBlondHousewifeiamsaltlakeredtothetone______lurkeyMODATbedheadblonde____john_a_hughes______________________________________
  • sblaufuss
      Shane Bee @sblaufuss

    28-minute mile at the gym tonight. I still got it, baby!

    • 18
    • FAVS
    BlondHousewifeiamsaltlakeKinnehredtothetone______lurkeybedheadblonde____bananzajohn_a_hughes______________________________________
@sblaufuss

@sblaufuss

Do not overestimate how much I care about you not liking me.