Congrats to Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker on the birth of their twin foals.

Let this be a lesson to everyone: Nobody likes a bitch with 8 kids.

It's documented.

Sometimes my stars mean "hilarious," sometimes they mean "I agree," and sometimes they mean your tweet gave me a boner. Regardless: enjoy.

I bet those are the most expensive nine holes Tiger has ever played.

Went to a music store yesterday. Or, as I call it, 1995.

Every time I said I wanted a black taco I got slapped in the face. All the sudden, it's ok now?!

It feels strange calling you my 'followers' - I always feel like I should be collecting money from you, or trying to kill you all.

Spent the whole day resisting the urge to spend a huge amount of money. I think I deserve something as a rewOH MY GOD I ALMOST TRICKED ME!

Tumblr's not down, I rented it out for a private party.

I make it a habit to fart whenever I go into the Apple store.

Smell Different, you uppity sons-of-bitches.

For the last time - it's "masUrbating," not "mastErbating." You're not that good at it.

Hey 6am your face called AND IT'S STUPID!

Maybe now Sea World will acknowledge that their secret practice of feeding homeless people to whales was a bad idea.

I wish I knew someone who worked in outdoor advertising so I could nickname him Bilboard Baggins.

I make the favstar.fm leaderboard quite regularly. Mainly because I am pretty good at being in the first 15 starrers.

This vicodin makes me friendly and generous towards strangers. I hate this shit.

Thanks, commercial, for making me picture Jamie Lee Curtis pooping.

No, seriously, I'm not being sarcastic. Thanks.

Conference call participant is talking about "real-time loads" and I can't stop giggling.

Lifting weights always makes me want to throw up towards the end.

I mean, IN ADDITION to all the Axe Body Spray.

28-minute mile at the gym tonight. I still got it, baby!