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I'm thinking of making a ham radio. Which has better reception, soccer ball or honey glazed?
Murder tip: If you smother someone, don't use a memory foam pillow.
I put some baby carrots in the fridge over a month ago and they still haven't grown into adult carrots. What am I doing wrong?
It's really awkward when you whistle at a cute girl and her boyfriend hears you, then you have to explain why you're in their linen closet.
Has anyone been to the Geneva Convention? Is it as good as the other comic cons in the U.S.?
Did Bono ever find what he was looking for?
I burnt my mouth eating a burger. The physical pain can heal but I didn't know that something I loved so much could do this to me.
How on earth isn't a group of Squid called a Squad? Someone really dropped the ball on that one.
"Trust me, you can dance." - Vodka
There's a special place in hell filled with people that have to build Ikea furniture for eternity.
Is it wrong to hate a certain race? I don't mind doing a 5k race but my running group wants to a 10k race and I really don't like them.
There was a fly in my taxi rubbing his front legs like an evil genius. I started to worry but then he just head butted the window 20 times.
According to Web MD, my itchy nose means I have stage 3 lymphatic cancer. Time to break bad and start making meth I guess.
Best thing about being men is not having to put on a "face" to go outside. Just have to make sure our nutsacks aren't showing and we're gold
I'm amazed at how many kangaroos like to have naps on the side of the road.
"I didn't choose the twerk life, the twerk life chose me." - Idiots
I've been offline for a couple of days. Miley Cyrus is the new Batman?
I'd make a joke but there's nothing funny about Batfleck
I want you to know that someone out there cares. Not me, but someone.
I literally projectile vomit with rage when people misuse the word literally.